You Know You’re A Mom When...
-You're not mad about the water that spilled out of the overstuffed dishwasher because now your floor is no longer sticky.
-Instead of buying that long awaited sports car, you are searching the net for mini-vans with five star crash ratings.
-You skip over the bikini rack at the swimsuit store and go right to the cover your belly suits.
-Your idea of a girls night out is meeting your friend at the local McDonalds (equipped with a children's play area) and throwing down a chicken sandwich and large fry.
-Vases from Italy are no longer on display in the living room. Now you have big bouncy balls in every corner of the newly vamped play room.
Most Embarrassing Moments:
-I was at the store with my three year old when she saw two women in line together who were obviously a couple. She looked at them and then asked me, “Mommy, where is the daddy?” My reply,“ I am not sure dear. Maybe he’s at work.”
-I was playing outside in the front yard with my three year old and she started to fall. She of course grabbed a hold of my pants and pulled them down revealing a half moon to the pleasant repair guy headed towards our driveway.
Parent Sanity Savers:
-The next time you are waiting at the pediatricians office with your little ones, instead of struggling to keep them calm and off the baby scale, have everyone pretend they're in a jungle and point out all of the cool creatures.
-Join a gym with a nursery. Not only will it help you get in shape for swimsuit season, you will hopefully find some new babysitters for your summer "date nights."
Fun Time:
Coming soon...
Funny Quotes About Parenting:
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner
“Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." -- Bill Cosby
“Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.”--Homer Simpson
"Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes." Joyce Armor
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" - Milton Berle
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." -- Phyllis Diller
"Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while" - Unknown
"I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you." -Gallagher
"People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them". - Leo J. Burke
"First you have to teach a child to talk, then you have to teach it to be quiet." - Prochnow
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." - Russell Lynes
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." - Peter Ustinov
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end a no responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
"A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble." - Dennis Fakes
"Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky." - Fran Lebowitz
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." -Bill Vaughan
"Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other's faults." - Richard Armour
"If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma." - Theresa Bloomingdale
"No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant." -Amy Leslie
"Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other." - Ed Howe
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head." - Carol Burnett
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." - Phyllis Diller
"Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions - everyone but a school bus driver." - Unknown
"Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective." - P. J. O'Rourke
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." - Dr. Who
"The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children." - Edward, Duke of Windsor
"A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother." - Mark Twain
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." - James Baldwin
"There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires." - Dorothy Parker
"Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home." - Bill Cosby
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going." - P.J. O'Rourke
"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." - Carl Sandburg
Erma Bombeck Collection (American humorist 1927-1996):
"All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them. "
"I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars."
"In two decades I've lost 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"
"Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time."
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
"Youngsters of the age of two or three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub. "
